Fun.

Song: The Gambler- Fun.
Mood: Wistful.

Fun. is probably one of my most favorite bands in the world. Them and La Dispute and Rise Against of course, but my music tastes have definitely moved on a bit. Stretched. I don't dislike genres like Rise Against, my likes are just getting a bit wider.

The song I'm listening to is so amazing- love like that is what I'm searching for. Not on the internet, don't get that wrong with me. I want it to be real and in person so that person can prove to me they're not in it for just physical reasons.

Anyways, back on topic. "Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields I will not leave, I will not leave 'till it's our time. So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side."

I want that so bad that when I hear a song that describes it, a movie that shows it, I start bawling my eyes out. I know a lot of girls want it. But no one girl feels that want in the same way. So I am not embarrassed to have this want stuck up on this blog.

I still see your ghost.

Song: Some Nights- Fun.
Mood: Annoyed.

Just like the song I'm listening to, some nights I don't know what I stand for. Most nights actually. What do I stand for? Who am I? I have no more idea than last year or the year before. I haven't known who I was since before elementary when I found that I didn't make friends well. I changed and now I'm paying the price. At least, that's what I like to think.

I hope that maybe someday I will be me. Because I can't truly love anyone until I find myself.

Food! Hunger!

Song: ...
Mood: Spring-in-my-step Good!

Italiano or 日本の (Japanese)? Food, not ethnicity.
I've been pretty obsessed with both for awhile. And I want to visit both places someday! But with all the talk on how Japan is having crises lately I've been having second thoughts.

My birthday is on Friday this week and I've been asking for a bento. For those of you who aren't well-versed with the workings of Japan culture, it's a lunch box. I want this one- Kotobuki 2-tiered bento. It's cherry wood with sakura flowers painted on top. I've asked my mom but I think she wants an American child. Jeez. I'll buy it myself.

I've been looking into making bento lunches. I live in a farm town and I have no idea where I'll get half of the yummy stuff! Maybe in the next town over. I hope. I'm thinking about getting a couple bento cookbooks... specifically, these- The Manga Cookbook and Ten-Minute Bento .

I'm a happy girl ^^

Gosh.

Song: Story of a Girl- 9 Days
Mood: doomed (in love. Doomed in love.)
Movie: The Soloist

At church, my pastor and this guy got into it about free will. The guy's view was very... Calvinistic and fatalistic. He said that if God knows everything, makes a path for us based on our future decisions, then we have no free will. Pastor was saying that we have choices. But the guy was like... but if God knows our choices, then there are no real choices. What I said was that God wants us to be Christians, but can't make us be. He creates us to follow his path and I personally think he only lays out opportunities, not our fate.

To put it lightly, what I said ended the argument. Booyah.

I don't even know if I truly believe. I don't agree with a ton of what the Bible says and the morals it's built on- I mean... if we don't know God, even if we're good people, we're sent to hell forever? It's our eternal punishment? Punishment is to make someone learn, not to go on forever. I don't think that's right.
But maybe whoever wrote/translated the Bible got some things wrong? I don't know.

Likey?

Song: You Make Me Wanna Die- The Pretty Reckless
Mood: comfortable.

You likey my new blog template? It's not me, fyi- it's this girl I met at a camp I went to. She was so calm, it was ridiculous...

Quote #2

Song: Staring at the Moon- Bruno Mars
Mood: hopeful (still)
Movie: It's Kind Of A Funny Story...
(Since there is no tabbing, a new line is a new paragraph.)

Dev takes his arm and puts it right against mine, skin to skin, sweat on sweat, touch on touch. Then he glides his hand into mine and intertwines our fingers.
"This," he says. "This is why the Beatles got it."
"I'm afraid I'm not following..."
"Other bands, it's about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But the Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason the Beatles made it so big?"
"What?"
"'I Wanna Hold Your Hand.' First single. F*cking brilliant. Perhaps the most f*ucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. That's what everyone wants. Not 24/7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a porsche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that they can't hide. Every single successful love song of the past 50 years can be traced back to 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand." And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand holding. Trust me. I've thought a lot about this."
-Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist

Amazing book.

Bob Dylan- Genius.

Song: Hold On- Hawthorne Heights
Mood: hopeful
MOVIE: It's Kind Of A Funny Story...

Sometimes I post because I want to share an awesome song/movie/feeling. Like right now.

Kinda. I do have something on my mind..

In It's Kind Of A Funny Story... the guy, Craig, is completely overwhelmed with life and friends and girls and school. And I know how that is. You see all the hard things about life, how you're stuck in one place and you're working towards something you don't want to do. And in the end... Craig's friend Bobby quotes a Bob Dylan song 'It's Alright, Ma (I'm only bleeding)'. It was "He who is not busy being born is busy dying." And I was reminded, again, of how good I have it compared to the schizophrenic people, the homeless people, the lifeless people. And I realized I was busy thinking about what I'm going to do, not actually doing it. And life became important again.

If you have a good sense of humor, love Zach Galifianakis, and need a boost in life, this amazing movie is for you.

Ready? Let's roll onto something new.

Song: Somebody Told Me- The Killers
Mood: Tired, expectant

My brother's best, most awesome girlfriend he loves had to move to Hawaii to finish schooling since her parents moved there. He's torn to pieces over it. Mom, trying to help, overcrowds him. Always wanting to take him out places. Trying to force company on him.

If he wanted company, he'd get it. He's like me in that aspect- sometimes I need to be sad over things by myself.

I get her aspect of "if you aren't alone, there's less chance of thinking about it", but for our family, it's rarely true.

Hasta :)

Shopping

Song: da, da da. Da, da da. Da, da da, da da.... (low, high low. Low, high low. Low, high low, high low...)
Mood: Dazzled

I'm not much for shopping when I'm looking for something specific- talk about a headache and a half. (This is why I don't go shopping with people very often. Too much focus). When I shop online, though, I get less headache and don't have to talk to any other shoppers/store workers (no offense to you who work that area). And I found some wonderful finds on the Journeys website and the ModCloth website. Here are a couple pictures (and the links).

Hoo, Me? Skirt
It's a Sher-bet Dress

ModCloth has all sorts of awesome stuff. For your apartment, for your oddball friend... it's a wonderful website and (most of) the stuff is affordable by my (an average-household) standards.

Women's Not Rated Iris Casual Shoe- black
LOVE Journeys ^^

Of course, me having no job means me having no awesome stuff. Sigh.

Passion

Song: New Moon- Alexandre Desplat
Mood: Booooooored

Modcloth and Etsy! Awesome clothing and knicknacks.
Also... check out The Road Is Home . Nirrimi is a great inspiration artistically and just in a general sense. She has found her passion.

My theory is that everyone has a passion. Even the most sloth-like person could potentially be a nuclear physicist or some other. I think to be the happiest you can be, you need to have that obsession, that passion.

I'm trying to find mine. My challenge to you- find yours.

Quote #1

Song: Sweet Dreams Are made of these- Eurythmics
Mood: Lovelorn

I have a theory too.
my theory is about moments.
moments of impact.
my theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down actually end up defining who we are.
one of my absolute favorite moments.
the thing is, each one of is the sum total of every moment that we've ever experienced, with all the people we've ever known.
and it's these moments that become our history.
like our own personal greatest hits in memories that replay and replay over and over.

~The Vow.

Yesterday.

Song: Sic Transit Gloria... Glory Fades- Brand New
Mood: wholesome

It's hard realizing that you and your love do nothing but touch anymore. Our love used to be based on our conversations and experiences, but now it's all physical. I realized this at camp last week.

Yesterday, he came over to talk to me about his future plans (like I had said). It was a little difficult to keep the touching to a minimum because we're both so used to it. I hate who we've become.

The Vow

This movie, to me, is so touching. It really makes you wonder if what you have/had was true love. And if what you have is true love, then it makes you wonder what would happen if one of you forgot the other.

When I see this movie, I see how I want to be someday. I want to love someone so much that my anxiety plays no part in our relationship, that I am only myself. That I am accepted completely with all my quirks.
On the flip-side, I want to love somebody so much that if everything fell apart, I'd be willing to stay during the fall. That I'd be happy to.

I love this sort of movie. It's a girly movie, a love movie, but it's a good one. I adore it. It makes me see what I need to have, and that I'm right for somebody out there.

There's no way I could describe him.

Song: Daydreamer- Adele
Mood: tense

Is it bad that I don't want my love knowing I have this blog? I only just started it... but if I even barely give him an outlet for his bad emotions then he's going to use it. If I show him my doubts then he won't ever let them go. And so I hide.

I'll admit- he's so strange to me. His mind works in ways that no one elses' does, and then he wonders why no one can comprehend him. If anyone's interested, here's his DA journal link... www.aurellium.deviantart.com.

He's coming over so we can talk about his future plans... He's planning on our future together. I'm planning on our future apart.
I have no followers and I have no commenters, but I would love it if I could have the answer to this question: should I wait to break up with him until he's signed up for the airforce?

I love you.

Song: I Am understood? Relient K.
Mood: thoughtful

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go.
- I Am Understood? by Relient K.

Tangled

Song: Sick, Sick, Sick- Bayside
Mood: Sad.

Tangled is such an awesome movie. Every time I see the king's tear fall before they lit their lantern I choke back a sob it's so sad..

Plus Rapunzel is such a sweet, innocent girl. And she unknowingly has the ability to bring out the best in almost everyone- vikings, thieves, the townsfolk.

-------------------------------------

I found out yesterday that my cousin has been sneaking out to meet two guys to do drugs and who knew what else. They got caught by the police and one of the guys went to jail since he's an adult. My cousin is only twelve years old. I am so disappointed in her. That part of my family is screwed up but I thought she knew better than to do something so stupid. I thought I had taught her better. I guess not.

Eyes

Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFoYZSKX4O4Mood: Wistful

Every once in a long while, my eyes open to the world. It's so easy to get sucked into the here-and-now, the sadness of always being in the same place. But when my eyes are opened, I realize that there is more to the world than just a little farm town in the states. There's more out there to love, to experience, to cherish, to taste. Europe and Asia and Scandinavia and Africa and Australia. All those different foods, those different cultures, those different people.

When my eyes are opened, there is a universe to look forward to, and for awhile, my days go by happily and freely instead of confined. My lust for travel is large but it's not satisfied yet, so I live off the times when I can see what I will have, someday.

I will have travel and embrace new people. I will find myself and my true happiness. That is my plan. Maybe I'll even find my true God.

You may say I'm a dreamer...

...but I'm not the only one.

My love is... who he is. Yeah? He's his own person and I respect that. I love him. But what if that love isn't right? It's what my emotions tell me but not what I myself need.

He is loving, kind, cuddly, and wonderful.
But...
He is clingy, dependent, angry, and spiteful.

He's who I love but who I hate as well. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. I feel like he's holding me from who I should be, holding me from what I can do to make myself happy.

But his religion makes him have one love/mate for life. It scares me that because he loves me, and I know he does, that he won't move on. A couple years before he met me, he had... been obsessed with a girl. A very pretty, older girl. She had told the counselors at school and he had to go to a psychiatrist. I'm also a little afraid of that- what if he becomes obsessed?

But I love him. The good times are becoming less frequent but when they happen it's like magic. Laying in the grass telling stories and throwing clumps of grass at each other, kissing when no one's watching.

He doesn't know me though. When I'm in some sort of mood, he thinks it's either tired or spacey. He believes I'm the epitome of perfection and that he's just a doormat. He's scared of leaving me and I him, but I think...

I think I need to do what's best for myself for once. It's scary and I don't want to do it but... when he's for sure going into the airforce I'll do it. Once he's signed up.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

I'm so afraid.

But I have hope for my future. He needs to figure things out and I need to grow up.

A year of being together? Seems like an eternity. But our separation is for the best... isn't it?